Sunday, January 16, 2011

Miss America-That's not a talent


I found myself sitting in front of the big screen last night and somehow, in the sea of channels on my satellite TV, I fell on the Miss America Beauty Pageant. Before I could escape, the women in the room yelled at me to step away from the remote. It has been years since I have actually watched the competition and there have been some significant changes-like the swim suit portion, the host, etc. BUT-the one thing that still remains a touchy subject with me is the talent competition.


Come on.


Now, I should say they did make a change or two to this portion as well. All the competitors, ten at this point, come out and sit on a bench. You got your singers, piano players, dancers-who actually aren't sitting but you can see stretching just off camera, on stage watching and waiting to be called up.


They only call eight out to compete. So here you are, all warmed up and ready to do your interpretive dance of the flamingos and they don't call you up. You and one other loser get to walk off stage trying to smile. That's pretty cool. But lets talk talent for a minute.


Sure, you can sing Puccini or be some white blond gal trying to be Tina Turner, but anyone with a voice coach can do that. Here are some real talents-new talents that I think we need to write letters to the pageant and have them at least try. Let me know what you think.


  • Recharging the freon on a 1976 Admiral refrigerator in under two minutes (the actual length of the talent portion)

  • field strip a military grade M-4 rifle while blindfolded.

  • Eight second bull ride (the other minute and fifty-two seconds could be filler video of the competitor being loaded on the bull-clock starts when her butt hits the bull's back)

  • roofing a small shed.

  • changing the flange adapter on a Hudson 280 smoke suppressor

  • performing a live appendectomy (it can be done in under two minutes of the volunteer/patient is already anaesthetised)

  • Fix a table leg on someones patio table

  • Digging ten feet of trench for a sprinkler system

  • repairing a sprinkler head on said system

  • changing a washer on a kitchen/bathroom faucet

  • starting a fire in a fireplace

I am sure we, as a collective, could come up with more. What I am happy to see is none of them are baton twirling. Now, if the baton was lit or had razor sharp ends to it-huh, maybe.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

The wonders of vision


I'm not going to bore you with my health issues. First, your eating and drinking something nice and you don't want to hear the ramblings of a middle-aged guy talking about his bowels, joints, teeth, or anything else. Its just not proper, not good form.

Except this time.

I went to the eye doctor yesterday. Now, I am not an expert at searching for doctors and that is a good thing. For the most part, I'm in good shape with the exception of things starting to wear out, like joints, teeth, and apparently, now my eyes. I went to one of those chain stores in the strip mall. I have an acquaintance of mine who goes to an eye doctor and then an exclusive eye glass store-so exclusive they don't take insurance. Mine, well, I think they have coupons. Something about a doc that takes coupons that just seems borderline.

Now, understand something. I use to have vision. Like owl vision. 10/20 in each eye at one time and not when I was twelve either. I was in my late twenties. I could see stuff across the universe without the use of a telescope. Bats asked for advice from me. It was that good.

I have been wearing little reading glasses for about 6 years. Ever since my arms quit being long enough to hold the paper away from my face. But in the last few years, they have started to leak, itch, blurry, all of it. So, I figured it was time to get another inspection for the decade.

Geez.

The appointment wasn't bad, quick, efficient, but now I am truly a middle-aged guy with another part that is in need of repair.

I understand I was going to hear about my vision. I get that. But I wasn't prepared for hearing I have the beginning stages of cataracts. "You have just a little bit of cloudiness, Mr. Williams, nothing you need to deal with now." And then, as if to console me, she told me that everyone gets them as we get older.

Now that made everything better. 'Cloudy', really? Is the next thing that I take a fall and I can't get up? And what about my bowels? Haven't heard from them lately. You know what they say-'No news is not necessarily a good news.'

They then tried to sell me a $400 pair of glasses. Once I took the Cadillac stuff off of it, it was whittled down to about $178.

I can get 3 glasses for $18 at Costco.

But I can't complain. Life is good. Daily struggles, occasional rewards that we are allowed to see and remind us of those things and people we touch that positively impact their lives as we walk through them.

Now, I just need to find my cane.