Not wanting to take anything away from modern science with us standing on the cliff of a world flu epidemic, but to share with you the great breakthroughs that we, here at Central High School, are coming up with to tackle this potential world health issue. You see, this school is looked upon as “cutting edge” “riding the cusp” of modern technology, “a leader for the common man” in world health issues and general well being. Scientists, doctors, lab techs, and people with way too much time on their hands, have come up with a few guidelines of our own to support, come along side of, share with, or generally cause smiles for all as well as those uptight and worried people at the CDC and the World Health Organization. Below, are some simple guidelines to not only protect you and your family from the “curse of the swine” but to provide for a better way of life-a different light on the proverbial rainbow of life as it were. Here are some simplistic guidelines to make your life, if not healthier, at least more interesting.
1) If you sneeze, make sure you cover your mouth and nose. Then promptly dispose of that sleeve of your shirt in the trash in a safe manner.
2) If you are at a restaurant salad bar and one hand has a plate and the other has a pair of salad tongs and you feel a sneeze coming on, don’t turn your head away and blow disease into the general populous. Someone will stand up and complain. Shelter the restaurant patrons and your loved ones by using the “sneeze screen” encircling the salad bar. After all, that’s what its there for. We might as well see if it works.
3) Scientists discovered it didn’t make sense to wash your hands and dry them then touch the same door handle the guy who just sneezed on the salad bar touched to exit the restroom. So, don’t use your hands. Reach down and open the door by pulling on the handle with your mouth. Be careful not to chip a tooth.
4) If you start to feel sick and are running a fever over a 103, go out for a run in heavy sweats and “sweat it out.” At least that’s what my former high school football coach prophesied just before he went to prison for assault. Pearls of wisdom.
5) Quick kissing pigs. Come on people! Unless you’re French or from certain parts of northern Italy or West Virginia no American should be putting their lips on a pig unless it’s smothered in barbeque or on a bun with a cold amber beverage.
6) Drink more coffee. At least once a week you need to drink half your body weight in coffee (x-50%= #cups). It would be best if you drank it black like a Turkish wares salesman or the first machinist mate in the bowels of a Peruvian tramp steamer but cream and sugar is welcome. You don’t see either of these two types with any wussy flu do you? No! Emphysema and colon cancer maybe but hey-first disease first.
The coffee clinic is open in the morning, next to the cattle pens and sty’s. Come by tomorrow morning and take your medicine. Its subsidized by the Feds via the bank stimulus package as stated on page 487 of said package marked with a little * at the bottom of the page.
1) If you sneeze, make sure you cover your mouth and nose. Then promptly dispose of that sleeve of your shirt in the trash in a safe manner.
2) If you are at a restaurant salad bar and one hand has a plate and the other has a pair of salad tongs and you feel a sneeze coming on, don’t turn your head away and blow disease into the general populous. Someone will stand up and complain. Shelter the restaurant patrons and your loved ones by using the “sneeze screen” encircling the salad bar. After all, that’s what its there for. We might as well see if it works.
3) Scientists discovered it didn’t make sense to wash your hands and dry them then touch the same door handle the guy who just sneezed on the salad bar touched to exit the restroom. So, don’t use your hands. Reach down and open the door by pulling on the handle with your mouth. Be careful not to chip a tooth.
4) If you start to feel sick and are running a fever over a 103, go out for a run in heavy sweats and “sweat it out.” At least that’s what my former high school football coach prophesied just before he went to prison for assault. Pearls of wisdom.
5) Quick kissing pigs. Come on people! Unless you’re French or from certain parts of northern Italy or West Virginia no American should be putting their lips on a pig unless it’s smothered in barbeque or on a bun with a cold amber beverage.
6) Drink more coffee. At least once a week you need to drink half your body weight in coffee (x-50%= #cups). It would be best if you drank it black like a Turkish wares salesman or the first machinist mate in the bowels of a Peruvian tramp steamer but cream and sugar is welcome. You don’t see either of these two types with any wussy flu do you? No! Emphysema and colon cancer maybe but hey-first disease first.
The coffee clinic is open in the morning, next to the cattle pens and sty’s. Come by tomorrow morning and take your medicine. Its subsidized by the Feds via the bank stimulus package as stated on page 487 of said package marked with a little * at the bottom of the page.
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