Big Obituary or a Small One?

I was thumbing through the paper this morning. Yes, I still get the paper. I like reading it in the quiet early morning. The smell of the newsprint on my hands, the feel of the dirt from the wrapper as the newspaper man slid it across the oil spots on my driveway. It leaves a little black stain on your fingers that you inadvertently transfer to your new white dress shirt. Anyway, after the comics, crossword puzzle, and I have my 'private time,' I come back out and finish the rest of my reading, I always turn past the obituaries. Now, I have noticed that they are getting to be big. Like a quarter page big. With a big picture and little emblems to show the dead guy's memberships in things like the Elks and being a Shriner Clown. Then I look at the others, the common man obits that are from, well, the common man. Or maybe the family just didn't have the money for the bigger one. I had to ask myself-would I 'wear that'? Would I want a big, quarter page, short story about me being dead and what my life was, what I did, or who was still left in my family after I 'crossed the bar'?

Nope, don't think so. I think I want to go out with no notice at all, just to make people wonder 'Hey, have you seen Williams? I haven't heard from him in three years. Maybe I'll give him a call.' You start thinking of this crap as you get older. I swore I would not live live past 40 when I was 40. Now, I'm 52 and stuff is getting more and more real. Physicals actually have stuff showing up. I can't remember when my knees didn't hurt or I wasn't so tired as I was approaching Coma Level at 8:30 at night, and the greatest marker-I'm listening to NPR instead of music-and liking it!

So, to wander through this life and have a big-booty article written about myself, that might be nice. I don't think I could say enough to fill a quarter page though. I know, maybe I could attach a coupon for a 'buy one-get one' somewhere. That would be cool. Pre-pay like $1000 to a neighborhood bar or drive through and the first bunch of people to eat up the $1000 win. Why can't you do that? Why hasn't anyone thought of that before? At least then I would be remembered? Not that's is the most important thing. Frankly, three or four generations down, your siblings will say 'Mark who'?

I left instructions in my will (you have to have a will when you pass a certain age; its required) to 'dispose of my remains the cheapest way possible.' I don't want to be buried so people can come 'visit me.' That, frankly, is kind of gross. Think about it. If you have any religious background, you aren't there. If not, you are a pile of ashes or a plot of ground with a piece of granite on top. Can't you get the same effect by going in your backyard and sitting quietly in front of the begonias?

Maybe a nice coupon for chocolate shake somewhere? Chocolate always makes people happy. Plus, its free! Now, that would be worth remembering.