Heat Advisory--Really?

This last week in Phoenix has been a little warm, like the seventh level of friggin' Hell warm. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am getting older, my hands swell, and sometimes I find myself turning my head to hear what someone is saying. But I also think its because it is actually getting warmer. It also seems like this year, unlike years past, professional groups like the news or some new governmental agency, has spent a bunch of money to put out these 'Heat Advisory' warnings you hear on the news, radio, even read them in the paper-the next day, which makes great sense.

I haven't seen rain at my house during daylight hours this year. So the two times I have seen wet sidewalks when I woke up, could be from sprinklers. Oh, sure, it threatens a lot. The clouds build to the north and east an threaten everyone, just not here. I've lived in this valley all my life. I know exactly where I was when we hit the all time back to back days of 121 and 122 degrees, shutting down the airport and finding people lighting candles in church for their air-conditioner. I was in a motor home, monitoring a wiretap of a murderer's home and the A/C in the motor home burned up. So, really, I was in a metal box with no ventilation, balancing an unbalanceable check book. Yep, good times. But here's the thing, I didn't need anyone to tell me it was hot. I knew it was hot. I live in Phoenix for Christsake! Having someone telling me "Hey, uh, well, be careful, drink water, stay inside--its hot outside," kind of seems, well--dumb.

That must mean there are people out there that wander outside and just keep wandering, I guess, kind of like someone in Buffalo, New York during a lake-effect snow storm. "Oh, look honey, its snowing! Let's take the kids, pile into the car, and go look at Christmas lights!" Okay, I get it; they deserve to be thinned from the herd, but do we have to spend tax money on it?

Look, this is Arizona. Summers in Arizona, especially central and southwestern Arizona is just a place you don't necessarily want to be without a completely filled swimming pool that you can carry on your back. As a matter of fact, you don't want to be anywhere except in a cool mall or the rank darkness of a movie theater, moving from movie to hiding in the restroom until another movie starts, to another movie to hiding in the restroom to another movie, until the sun goes down. We had a low temperature the other day of 91 degrees. 91 DEGREES FOR A LOW! Who does that?

Yeah, I know, I hear it all the time-"Well, you just don't know what cold is like. This feels so good." Okay, then take a bottle of water with you if you're out in it. If I was in New York, near Buffalo and it was snowing, I would travel-if I did travel, with a blanket, jackets, gloves, a fire place, a sleeping back, food for a month-all the things the natives travel with. I wouldn't need someone to get paid to tell me "Hey, ah, its cold outside. We have a 'Cold Advisory'. Wear your Mukluks."

Nope, don't need that.

So, if you are coming to Phoenix or have been relocated by your company to Gila Bend, halfway between Phoenix and Yuma, there are two things you need to know the answers to. 1) Who did you piss off to get re-located to Gila Bend and 2) where is the movie theater?

There, there is your heat advisory. Now, put butter on your popcorn and find a quiet row.