Tomorrow, I am
having a ‘surgical procedure.’ I have found, in this society, we have political
names for things, things we don’t want to call what they really are.
For example, in the military, we call it an ‘insertion’ when we land ten
divisions of heavily armed combat troops into someone’s back yard. An ‘extraction’
is when we take more than one, but less than everyone out. ‘Surgery’ is a term
for a full blown ‘we are going inside with a plan. Not sure if the plan will
work but it looks good on paper, hopefully while you stay in a twilight state
of not caring.’ A ‘surgical procedure’ is somewhere between ‘hey, let me give
you a shot for what’s wrong’ and ‘what the hell is that?’ I’m having one of
those tomorrow morning.
Funny thing
about these things, we will call it ‘SP’ since I don’t want to keep spelling it
out, there is a lot more preparation before said procedure than other medical events. For example, if you needed a new knee, they would tell you to
pack a bag and don’t eat before the schedule event. Boom! Easy peasy. But with
these ‘SP's’ you need to start days before, getting your body ready for
the event.
You have to
drink stuff. You have to drink stuff at the same time you are not suppose to be eating and
drinking other stuff. Of course, the stuff you have to consume is manufactured to
elicit a certain result. If it doesn’t work you got to do it that hard way,
which of course, no one wants to talk about, but it involves the doctor in hip
boots and a full helmet complete with splash guard. So? Isn’t that what we are
paying him for? Just because he doesn’t want to get a little splash on his Cole
Haan’s doesn’t mean I should be drinking and doing stuff that really does not
fit into any goodwill movie.
And what’s with
the name of these things? Sure, I understand seriousness. No one wants to
really joke around when you are trying to link up two railroads like the
Transcontinental Railroad at Promontory Summit, one from the east and one from
the west if you get my metaphor. But come on, how about a little levity? Instead
of something so pompous as ‘Sup-prep, notric preparation kit, 800mg
sodiumtasteslikemyass, we could give the client the same head’s up as well as
probably being more clear about the events to come. The label above gives you
no indication of what this SP involves. But there are other names that really
describe life yet to come, a name like ‘My
God, What’s happening to Me!, Colon Blo, Shipwreck Island, Turn Me Inside Out,’
or my favorite ‘Get Out of My Way’, something that mimics the taste and actions
that occur twenty four hours in front of a very expensive nap. Sure, they tell
you nothing about the taste, other than you might want to drink lots of water
with the chemical put together by a group of scientists from MIT who were all
diagnosed with Asperger’s. They avoid the description of it tasting like rancid
bull urine.
Look, all I’m saying
is have some equal time, okay? If you were having a bunion taken from the side
of your big toe, the doctor isn’t going to tell you he is using a hammer and chisel
and he wouldn’t make you bring your own Stanley claw hammer with rubberized
Sur-Grip@ and, depending on your insurance, your own chisel. Nope, so why can’t
we just show up and let things ‘fly?’
Now, if you
wouldn’t mind getting out of my way, I need another cup of green jello.
