A demand for equal rights!!!!

Tomorrow, I am having a ‘surgical procedure.’ I have found, in this society, we have political names for things, things we don’t want to call what they really are. For example, in the military, we call it an ‘insertion’ when we land ten divisions of heavily armed combat troops into someone’s back yard. An ‘extraction’ is when we take more than one, but less than everyone out. ‘Surgery’ is a term for a full blown ‘we are going inside with a plan. Not sure if the plan will work but it looks good on paper, hopefully while you stay in a twilight state of not caring.’ A ‘surgical procedure’ is somewhere between ‘hey, let me give you a shot for what’s wrong’ and ‘what the hell is that?’ I’m having one of those tomorrow morning.

Funny thing about these things, we will call it ‘SP’ since I don’t want to keep spelling it out, there is a lot more preparation before said procedure than other medical events. For example, if you needed a new knee, they would tell you to pack a bag and don’t eat before the schedule event. Boom! Easy peasy. But with these ‘SP's’ you need to start days before, getting your body ready for the event.

You have to drink stuff. You have to drink stuff at the same time you are not suppose to be eating and drinking other stuff. Of course, the stuff you have to consume is manufactured to elicit a certain result. If it doesn’t work you got to do it that hard way, which of course, no one wants to talk about, but it involves the doctor in hip boots and a full helmet complete with splash guard. So? Isn’t that what we are paying him for? Just because he doesn’t want to get a little splash on his Cole Haan’s doesn’t mean I should be drinking and doing stuff that really does not fit into any goodwill movie.  

And what’s with the name of these things? Sure, I understand seriousness. No one wants to really joke around when you are trying to link up two railroads like the Transcontinental Railroad at Promontory Summit, one from the east and one from the west if you get my metaphor. But come on, how about a little levity? Instead of something so pompous as ‘Sup-prep, notric preparation kit, 800mg sodiumtasteslikemyass, we could give the client the same head’s up as well as probably being more clear about the events to come. The label above gives you no indication of what this SP involves. But there are other names that really describe life yet to come,  a name like ‘My God, What’s happening to Me!, Colon Blo, Shipwreck Island, Turn Me Inside Out,’ or my favorite ‘Get Out of My Way’, something that mimics the taste and actions that occur twenty four hours in front of a very expensive nap. Sure, they tell you nothing about the taste, other than you might want to drink lots of water with the chemical put together by a group of scientists from MIT who were all diagnosed with Asperger’s. They avoid the description of it tasting like rancid bull urine.

Look, all I’m saying is have some equal time, okay? If you were having a bunion taken from the side of your big toe, the doctor isn’t going to tell you he is using a hammer and chisel and he wouldn’t make you bring your own Stanley claw hammer with rubberized Sur-Grip@ and, depending on your insurance, your own chisel. Nope, so why can’t we just show up and let things ‘fly?’

Now, if you wouldn’t mind getting out of my way, I need another cup of green jello.